Having tough conversations is one of the critical components of managing the People part of the People-Process-Perception triangle that effective managers master.
And it’s one of the things people tell me that they hate about managing:
- I hate having to confront people.
- I don’t like feeling like the bad guy.
- But what if I say something and they get mad at me?
And so they put off the conversation until the problem is so glaringly obvious that they can’t avoid it any more. And you know what? By then, it’s usually too late to have a neutral, problem-solving conversation – your emotions are involved and the employee’s emotions will also probably be triggered. And once the emotional elephant is running amok, conversations tend to run off the rails.
Three Reasons Employees Don’t Perform
When I was a new manager, I hated these conversations. Then I read an article – probably written by an older white man who had never managed retail employees in New York City1 – who said that there were three reasons employees didn’t do what you wanted them to2:
- They don’t know that their performance is out of alignment
- They don’t know how their performance is impacting the rest of the team and the organization
- They don’t know how their performance will have consequences to them, personally
Aha, I thought. This sounds like a formula I can follow. And I decided to try it out on James, an employee I really liked but who had a problem with being late.
So the next day, when James showed up late yet again, I said, “Late again, James. That’s the third time this week.” And stood back to watch him transform into an on-time employee.
The following morning, I said, “James, when you’re late like this, it impacts the whole team. I have to pull someone from the sales floor to work the cash register, and I have to pull someone from the stockroom to work the sales floor. And then the stockroom is short-handed when the delivery arrives. It’s not fair to the rest of the team.” And held my breath, sure that would do the trick.
And at 8:50 the next morning: “James, if you’re late again, I’m going to have to put you on a PIP. I hate to do that, because you’re such a great performer otherwise, but it’s really important that you’re here on-time.” And braced myself.
The Real Secret to Performance Improvement
Finally, I accidentally did something smart. When James slunk in late the next day, I said, exasperation dripping from my every word, “James, I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to write you up but this is really becoming a problem. If you had an employee who showed up late every day, what would you do?”
There was a pause and then James said something brave: “I’d ask the employee what’s going on that is making them late.”
After mentally kicking myself, I humbly asked James, what was going on that was making him late.
And James told me about how he lived with his mother and his grandmother. His mother worked an early shift at her job and had to leave the house at 5:30 a.m. They slipped a neighbor a few bucks to watch the grandmother during the day but sometimes the neighbor was late, and James couldn’t leave his elderly grandmother alone because of her health.
Man, did I feel stupid. Caregiving for the elderly still doesn’t receive enough support and in those days, it was really invisible – especially for a young man. And there weren’t resources – in many places, you struggled and considered yourself lucky if you found a neighbor who did you the favor of caring for your grandparent for a few bucks, and showed up late because what were you going to do about it?
“James,” I said, “I’m so sorry. That must be really hard. What can I do to help? Do you need a few days off while you and your mom figure things out? Or do you need to trade shifts with someone for a little while?”
“No,” James said quietly. “It won’t be a problem any more.”
I never found out what James did – but it wasn’t a problem any more.
No Magic Formula
I hate to tell you this but there is no magic formula for having a hard conversation, other than slowing down, asking questions to try to understand the other person’s perspective, listening, and empathizing. And then working together to find a solution.
If you can do that much, hard conversations might still be hard – but you’ll be a much more effective manager as a result.
Thank You, James
At least once a year, I send out a thank you to James, wherever he is now, and this important lesson he taught me about managing People.
It’s tempting, when you’re a manager, to avoid conversations about your employee’s personal lives. Although you can learn if they share, you can’t ask too much without crossing a legal line. And you don’t want to put yourself in the role of confidant and advisor about things outside work.
It’s also important to see employees as whole people, to understand what they might be struggling with, and to connect with them on a personal level. Knowing that someone is struggling with childcare or eldercare or cancer or domestic abuse or the long, drawn-out death of a family member with a terminal disease allows you to recognize when their performance may be impacted by things outside work and help them navigate questions of work-life balance.
In addition to supporting the People part of the People-Process-Perception triangle, it helps you anticipate Process issues that you might need to work around, by rescheduling or cross-training to cover in case of a sudden absence, for example.
And it also supports the Perception aspect of the triangle. Nobody likes being the jerk who is repeatedly texting Steve demanding to know when he’s going to supply that urgent TPP report because you didn’t know that Steve’s wife was in the end-stages of cancer. Not a great look – and you really feel like a jerk (trust me on this one).
Your Turn
Share your thoughts in the comments – I get my best ideas from people who disagree with me.
- Is there a James in your life who taught you a valuable lesson about managing people?
- What’s the worst advice you’ve seen about managing people?
- What do you dread about having difficult conversations?
Change+Management 