People who knew me when I was just starting out will probably laugh at this post. I was the queen of sending long emails that I shouldn’t have sent. Managers would sigh at me and say, “I wish you hadn’t sent that.”

That was before I realized that a long email really just says one thing to the recipient: I care passionately about being right.

Not a message that persuades an audience.

Here’s what I learned to do instead.

Give Yourself Some Distance

Let’s say someone gives you direction or feedback that you disagree with or even just need clarification on. You may be tempted to sit down and write them a note in Slack or in an email.

I’m going to suggest that you take a step back and get out a pen and a piece of paper. Starting on paper does one thing: it puts distance between you and the person that you want to communicate with.¹

If you type your thoughts into an email or a Slack chat, it’s too easy to hit the Send button. So take a step back, and start with a handwritten version.

When you’re finished writing, put it in a drawer.²

And walk away.

Go do something else: go for a walk, edit your novel, have lunch with a friend. Sleep on it.

Give yourself some distance.

Figure Out What You Really Want

Okay, got some distance? Now you can take the second key out of the safe, unlock the briefcase and take another look at what you had written.

It may be hard to figure out. Here’s a technique you can use: cut the length of what you’ve written in half. Go on, strike through all the extra words, all the clarifying sentences, the examples.

Done?

Great, do it again.

And again.

Keep going until you have a single sentence. 

That sentence is what you really want.

Now Take It Off Line

Now you can let yourself back online. And respond with something like, “Hey, thanks for your feedback / direction. I’m going to schedule a short meeting where I can get clarity on some questions about your feedback/direction.”

Schedule a 15-minute meeting. Make a list of questions – real questions, not those passive-agressive questions you had originally spewed into your hand-written note.

And have a calm, reasonable, discussion.

What to Send Instead

When you finish your reasonable discussion, send an email summarizing your discussion to demonstrate that you heard and understood their concerns, and the action that you plan to take (as well as any action that they plan to take), and when you agreed to follow up together.

Your Turn

Share your experience in the comments:

• What do you think when someone sends you a lengthy message?
• Is a long message ever justified?

---

1. Heck, if possible, I’d have you write it in invisible ink or crayon. Something you won’t be tempted to send. ↩︎
2. Or, if you’re really running hot, a sealed envelope in a drawer or inside a locked briefcase requiring two keys, one of which is locked in a safe at the bottom of an alligator pit. ↩︎