I read this book a while ago and have found myself coming back again and again to the ideas that it bubbled up in me.

I first met Ruth several years ago through a woman’s group, a small group where we met on Zoom and talked about what was holding us back from doing something different with our professional lives than we were. We met every other week for, I think, six to eight sessions; so I saw Ruth a lot. But it wasn’t until our sixth or seventh session that I realized that she had a limb difference. And even then, I might not have noticed except that Ruth had realized something about herself – how proficient she had become at hiding her limb difference and what hiding it was holding her back – and determined to do something about it by changing her behavior. And the first step that she took was talking about her limb difference – and it was only then that I noticed it.

This book is not just the story of Ruth’s journey; it’s the story of the assumptions we make about people who look or sound or think differently than we do. And it’s the story about what we, ourselves, are hiding. The book is structured around different stories from Ruth’s life, what she learned about hiding from those stories, and what she recognized as she thought back to those experiences through a different frame. At the end of each of these stories, she asks questions that help you reconsider that story through your own experience.

I’ve been thinking about this book through the lens of the Johari window, which is 4-square that looks like this:

1 Known to others Known to self	2 Known to others Not known to self
3 Not known to others Known to self	4 Not know to others Not known to self

I had always thought about the Johari window from the perspective of personality or skills:

1 We both can see that I am good at facilitating meetings.	2 You see that I am good at connecting dots (a skill I had not realized that I had) OR you see that I am terrible at scheduling meetings (a weakness I had not recognized)
3 I know that I am good at public speaking but you may not know that, having only seen me in an arena where I’m not asked to do that.	4 Neither one of us might see that I am good at mentoring, since I have never been put in that position.

Ruth’s book is making me think about the Johari window from the perspective of assumptions. To use examples from Ruth’s book, it would look like this:

1 – Facts Ruth has a limb difference One of Ruth’s arms is a different length than the other. Ruth’s shorter arm is different than the arms and hands of many people.	2 – Assumptions others make about Ruth Ruth is unable to do active things, like zip-lining. Ruth is incapable of parenting able-bodied children. Ruth needs to hide her difference to protect herself from mean people. Ruth needs to be treated differently. Ruth would be ashamed to talk about her limb difference.
3 – Assumptions Ruth made I should hide my limb difference No one wants to see my different limb Part of me is wrong and should be hidden If people find out about my hand, I will never keep love, make friends, get hired. My limb difference prevents me from living my life fully	4 – What Ruth discovered on her new journey I can run marathons and go zip lining on my own The process of unhiding will make me stronger My limb difference distinguishes me and makes me unforgettable My hand enables me to connect with people in unique and unexpected ways

In one of the chapters that stands out to me, Ruth talks to her parents about how they taught her, as a child, to hide her limb difference. They are shocked: they never told her to hide her limb; they just wanted to her to live normally. But she points out that she learned by their example: her mother would get up every morning before her father to apply her makeup, hiding her naked face from him as if it was unworthy; and her father would often use a different name – a less “Jewish” name – when he made restaurant reservations because, he said, it wasn’t “worth the trouble.”

At the end of that chapter, Ruth encourages you to think about your childhood and what was talked about and what wasn’t.

In my family, it was anger. We were not allowed to be angry. When I was young, if my sister made me angry – and my sister was very good at making me angry – I would just hit her. And then get spanked and sent to my room to think about what I had done. But all I thought about was how angry I was, how unfair my parents were. Eventually I would be hauled out to apologize. Thus I learned that, if I apologized, the punishment would end. Then I tried hitting my sister and immediately apologizing – which I learned wasn’t good enough: I was told the apology wasn’t any good unless I meant it. But I never meant it: I was angry and that hadn’t been acknowledged. So I learned that I just had to make the apology sound like I meant it; I got really good at apologizing in a way that looked sincere. Or at not getting caught hitting my sister. If you want to raise a passive aggressive child, this is the perfect recipe.

Ruth now has a career advocating for workplace inclusion; encouraging people to develop empathy for others who look, sound, or think differently than we do; and helping people recognize what they are hiding and transform that shame to strengths.

And sharing what she’s learned through her books.