I love this book. When I first picked it up, I read it cover to cover, and then referred back to it at crucial moments in my life. Since then, I’ve picked up three – oops – four other books by Judith Martin, including her comedy of manners, Gilbert. But I keep going back to this edition!

This book is a collection of questions received from and replies to readers of her column (as of the copyright 1979), supplemented with narrative and comment, checklists, and illustrations. The content is organized by topics such as Birth (which starts with prebirth¹), Basic Civilization (inclusive of family topics such as children, table manners, illnesses), Rites de Passage (religious rites, graduations, debuts²), courtship and living together, Marriage (For Beginners), Work, Intermediate Civilization (parties and presents, social correspondence, and Decent Dress), Ever After (divorces, remarriages, and anniversaries), Advanced Civilization (dining with the president or writing a letter³ to the queen), and Death (funerals and condolence letters).

Here are some of my favorites:

• The Marriage (for Beginners) section includes a list of “etiquette fights an engaged couple should have, so as to be ready and tired enough for a peaceful marriage.” Included on this list, which starts 6 months out:
  • “Fight over whether seventy-five people can be considered a small wedding.”
  • “Fight over whether silver and china fit into your way of life.”⁴
  • “Fight over whether the mother of the bridegroom should be forced to wear a type of dress she dislikes in order to be visually paired with the mother of the bride, who finds that style flattering.” [“If the mothers’ dresses fight appeals to you, you may expand it by attempting to force all the grandmothers to match, which could stir up a great deal of irascible excitement.”]
  • “Fight over the discovery that the bridegroom’s family has not only exceeded its quota of guests, but has provided a list using initials instead of names and terms such as ‘and family’ for children.”
  • [One week before] “Fight over wisdom of marrying a person now discovered to be short-tempered, stylistically alien to one’s own tradition, and completely absorbed in petty details to the exclusion of any intellectual or romantic activity.”⁵
• “Dear Miss Manners: Is it proper for a married woman to have lunch with one of her male coworkers?
  • Gentle Reader: Yes, provided that he is not her husband. A woman who meets her husband for lunch in a restaurant is only inviting scandal. Everyone will assume they have met downtown for the purpose of visiting a lawyer.”
• “Dear Miss Manners: All right, I’m sorry, too, that white gloves are no longer worn in summer because I also have a drawer full of them. But what do I do with the ones I have? I hate to throw them out?⁶
  • Gentle Reader: Cotton gloves may be worn for gardening, baiting fish hooks, or preventing the wearer from scratching chicken pox.⁷ They may also be kept in the drawer for better days to come.”
• “Dear Miss Manners: What do you say to a man who has recently lost his throne? Or who has lost the presidency, for that matter?
  • Gentle Reader: Presuming that you wish to be polite, but also to refrain from making a political statement, Miss Manners suggests, ‘History will record your true worth.” Please note what a versatile statement this is.”⁸

Missing from this book is one of my favorite pieces of Miss Manners’ advice, in response to a lady who was experiencing unwanted advances from her male boss in the office. Miss Manners advised a piercing scream, designed to attract attention, followed by a not very contrite, “Oh, I am so sorry – you startled me.” Every. Single. Time.

Many years ago a friend had become engaged to be married. This was her second marriage to a wonderful man with a huge family (his first marriage) and promised to be a humongous shindig. I wanted to send her a copy of this book as an engagement gift so she could face the upcoming ordeal with humor and aplomb. I was unable to locate a copy and settled for Emily Post instead.

Bad mistake. Not that Em doesn’t know her stuff, but she just doesn’t have the Judith Martin touch and, unfortunately, my friend took the gift in a manner⁹ that it was not intended: as a hint that she was unmannered. I am still wishing that I had given her the right book, because I think she would have found it as amusing (and helpful), as I have found this book and her others throughout the years.

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1. Taking bets on whether the latest version includes advisement on gender reveals that fail to start wildfires. ↩︎
2. So old. I’m sure more recent volumes address Quinceañeras instead – does anyone even do debuts any more? They were almost passé when I had mine. At least, it felt passé. ↩︎
3. A letter? Mommy, what is that? ↩︎
4. Check. ↩︎
5. Based on what I read in her column now, bridezillas of the 1970s pale in comparison. ↩︎
6. This was not my question as I didn’t inherit my drawer of gloves until many years after this book was written. However, it is a valid question. I also wondered what to do with all the tiny, linen, embroidered handkerchiefs I inherited – until people started getting married and, later, dying. Now they are the perfect accessory for weeping, and so much more elegant than a wad of shredding Kleenex. ↩︎
7. Back in fashion these days. ↩︎
8. Let’s all practice it together. ↩︎
9. Pun! ↩︎